Toffee-crisp

She, or he, has dropped their toffee-crisp.

It lay on the ground as I passed by, it was still there when I returned.

Somehow on their trip to school it was lost, dropped, it fell from the security of a warm loving hand. Perhaps lovingly packed, it held promise of mid-day sustenance, smiles, security, glossy colour and a sugary boost.

As we make our way through our day, habits help us; help us stay sane.

Keeping chemicals in balance, emotion in check, perhaps we all need our toffee-crisps or such like. Soft opiates that keep anxieties, loss, loneliness, fear and anger in their personal private places.

This specific routine-tonic is now lost, being trampled by passers-by in the wet grime of a city street.

Will she find it missing when she hopes for it ?

Will he find it lacking when he needs it ?

Sometimes we lose it…

 

As I passed by again today, it was no longer there.

Let’s hope you have what you need today.

 

I’ve recently tried again to reduce my reliance on SSRIs, specifically Citalopram. Alas, it seems for now I still need my corrective fix.  Why affecting my neurons reuptake of serotonin should influence my character such, I do not know, but in 2010 I was diagnosed with depression. Along with exercise, NLP and a lot of attention to perspective and outlook etc, SSRIs seem to be essential to keeping me balanced.

Perhaps like a shortsighted person needs glasses, my neurons need assistance.

After 5 years I have again tried to go without this prescribed aid.  I recently tapered it off from one tab a day to one every other day, and then one every third day… but alas ‘the world’ returns. I work the other morning to tweet “When u wake with weights of the world shredding holes in your brain, fear, worry, empty, fullness, lack, middle-aged, middle-class selfishness” and another to “Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy utter joy…”

Without the SSRIs my thought patterns and emotions range from extreme vibrant beautiful joy to killing ripping dejection. The thing is, I would rather have the spectrum of life where corners are illuminated and wonders are glimpsed than the narrow numbing limited perspective of the medicated view. But with the broader illumination comes an awareness of lacking and the missing failure of nothing in particular.

I have never really enjoyed the plastic quick fix of toffee-crisp-like tonics but I think we all need them.

But… lent approaches… what will we do…

…without?