Not such an easy task… (an update on a previous post)
I posted recently that after more than 5 years on reduced rigging, I am now again finally trying a fuller set of sails.
For more than 5 years Citalopram has helped take the winds out of my sails enabling a little more control. Circumstances have changed and a lot is being learned. The Doc agreed, and over two weeks, I slowly withdrew from Citalopram.
But the jump from being relatively in control, with reduced rigging, to sailing with a full set of sails is initially proving not such an easy task.
Stuff’s so vibrant, the stone walls, the sunrise, the colours, and sounds. The words from people, the longing, the tired eyes, hopes, fears, expectations. Music and rhyme juxtaposed with mundane habitual routine. It all seems so vibrant and resonates like bells, through consonance and dissonance, polyphonic messages… noise…
Raw emotional, sensory, cerebral overload. I am hopeful that I will settle into a rhythm but I have been surprised by the hard to control emotion that I am experiencing.
My senses and brain once again resonate with the angst of the futile human condition. So many people really struggling with war, hunger, poverty, abuse, neglect that need real help. Again I struggle to reconcile our society, where poverty and neglect sit beside greed and selfishness.
The polished driver passes the beaten bus queue, driving a machine that costs more than the house that the pedestrian rents. I fear that inside the western consumer is a loving heart smothered and now detached by a toxic addictive culture. Misplaced ambition and foolish one-upmanship leaves me cold. My emotions boom in desperation and fear.
Conversely, I am brought to tears of joy by the bright lights and fanfare of the local dance school’s annual show. Such raw dedication, real people lovingly giving themselves in a common community of hope. Innocence, learning, proud performers, simply sharing what they love, sequins, strobes, smiles… and dance. Infants beam and grandparents sigh. Dance, more than movement, an essence of what we might be. Yes culturally loaded, but essentially human.
So I am back to sunbathing in the rain. But, I will do my best to go without the drugs.
The ship is a mighty vessel, the water is wide, but I need to trim the sail and remember, to just feel for the breath. There will be gusts and storms, there will be calm and glorious cleansing breeze, there will be doldrum, there will be icebergs. As I say, I believe there will also be albatross.
I am not finding it easy, but I will persevere; captain.